Things To Be Thankful For

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Even on the rainy days, or weeks, there are things to be thankful for.

Run over to Christine's blog and read about her precious grandson who had heart surgery yesterday, and came through it with flying colors.

And then come back here and celebrate with me because Sugar Pea's adoption is final!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are officially a family of eight!!!!!!!!

Dear Sugar Pea

Dear Sugar Pea,


When we started this journey that is your life over 15 months ago.....


I'm so glad I didn't know everything.


I didn't know how many times I would have to watch your body struggle to gain the ground that wasn't gained prenatally.


I didn't know how many birth parent visits I would hold you after.


As your little body shook from sobs of confusion and fear.


I didn't know that one of your birth parents would threaten to hurt my family.


I didn't know that the judge in charge of your case would let it drag out this long.


(DHS was hoping to have it closed in six months.)


I didn't know that when I picked you up at the hospital I would have a police escort out of the building.


See, if I had known I might have tried to foster you on my own--with sheer determination--all these things that took me by surprise forced me to ask for help from the One who always heard my cries.


It's almost over now........the last TPR hearing is next week.


That doesn't mean I'm done asking for help to be your mamma though.


I'm pretty sure I'll be doing that for the rest of my life.


Love, Mamma

Updates

I keep thinking I need to update you on foster parenting, and pregnancy, but I'm too lazy to do two separate posts.

Sugar Pea's case is finally moving again.  Birth dad has a termination of parental rights trial coming up in about four weeks!!!!  The miracle that we had been praying for.  In the meantime he hasn't been showing up for his visits which means less trauma for Sugar Pea, and less trauma for me. :)

I'm still pregnant.  Someone told me early on in this pregnancy that you don't really get much bigger the last month or two.....well......they were WRONG.  Suffice it to say that I now walk a little like an overweight goose.

I feel good though--a little tired--but really fairly good.

I have about three more weeks to my official due date.

I looked at the mountain range of ripening tomatoes on my porch last night, and I cried.  Hubby caught me at it, and said I should just give them away.  I stubbornly set my jaw, and shook my head.  Sometimes I think I'm addicted to canning.........

So, there you have it--all the pertinent news around our house.  And probably one or two things that weren't all that pertinent.

Sugar Pea

I'll confess that lately my impulse has been to scream.

Not because the roller coaster is going too fast.

Because it feels like it's stalled on the tracks.

Birth Dad has been a source of extreme frustration.

He does just enough toward his goals to be annoying.

But not enough to make much progress.

He shows up for Sugar Pea's visits about 1/3 of the time.

When he doesn't show up--he calls and claims he is running late.

Which means I have to wait 30 minutes for him.

Sitting in a van with five restless children for 30 minutes is not my idea of a good time.

The next court date is in about two weeks.

Praying for a miracle!!!!!

Sugar Pea

From the top of my curly head.

To the bottom of my chubby feet.

I am completely Chubalicious!

~~~~~~~~

Yes, that’s the toilet—yuck!

Yes, the picture is blurry—because I rarely hold still.

Fostering Update

Sugar Pea has a permanency planning hearing coming up on Wednesday.

There are basically three different ways this could go.

The judge could determine that the birth parents are following their case plan and move toward reunification with them.  He could begin the process of terminating both of their parental rights, or he could grant a three month extension, and make a decision then.

This judge tends to be very very cautious in making any decision toward termination of parental rights.  I appreciate his point of view, but from my angle it can get a little frustrating.

The birth parents aren't doing anything toward getting their child back except for showing up for their visits......some of the time.

I'm trying to have the right attitude in all of this--you know--neutral foster parent.  I'm not doing a very good job.

My reason for sharing all of this is to ask you to please, please, pray for this hearing.  There are so many more details that I can't share, but suffice it to say that this case has burned me out.

I'll give you a pregnancy update in a day or two.

My Point of View...and Hers

Lately I've been reflecting on how different pregnancy is for me--a very blessed, well cared for, mamma  and what it's like for many birth mothers whose children end up in foster care.


When I found out I was pregnant I immediately scheduled my first prenatal visit with a doctor--she often has no prenatal care at all.


When pregnancy hormones overwhelm me I turn to my friends and family for support--she turns to drugs, or alcohol.


I have a large variety of fresh healthy food options in my refrigerator to ease my food cravings--she is doing good to have something....anything to eat.


My husband supports me, and helps me through every high and low of being pregnant--her significant other berates her, and beats her depending on how the mood hits him.


I have new clothes that are comfortable, and expand with my belly--she is forced to borrow her boyfriends clothes, or wear pajamas because she can't afford anything new.


Maybe these things seem minor to you, but they make me realize why many mothers make poor choices in their pregnancies and in their parenting.

 Think about it.  

If you know a single pregnant mother help her, support her, pray for her.  You may be the only person in her life who cares!

Progress.....sort of

Yesterday's hearing was frustrating.

I'm glad that I wasn't there.

Somehow it's easier to deal with that stuff from the comfort of my home. :)

There was some small progress though.

Small enough you almost need a magnifying glass to see it.

But, I'm thankful for what did happen.

And I'm thankful for your prayers.

Prayer Request

Sugar Pea has a court hearing today.

The judge who is assigned to her case so far has been very hesitant to take any action one way or the other.

I can't share a lot of details, but the birth parents choices are continuing to spiral downward.

Please, please, pray that there will be some progress today.

Looking Back

Now that I'm on the other side of adoption through foster care I've been looking back and many things are in  a sharper perspective.

I was recently talking to another foster mom, and she was struggling a little with how long a certain part of the process was taking.

 I told her that adoption, and foster care is a lot of "hurry up and wait."

 You really have very little control over the legal proceedings, cooperation of birth parents, motivation of case workers, and lots of other factors in the process.

It can be VERY FRUSTRATING!

I have concluded that really the only thing I have control over in foster parenting is me!

Not all that profound, but oh so true.

I can control how respectful I am of my foster children's birth parents--whether they deserve it or not.

I can control how well I work with my case worker--whether I agree with her decisions or not.

I can control my attitude toward the whole process--even when I feel frustrated with the "unfairness" of it all.

Don't get me wrong I think one of the keys to being a good foster parent is having someone who you can confide in, and vent some of your feelings to.

But doing your part in the whole process can make a big difference.

Just a few thoughts from my perspective in looking back.

Guess What Came In The Mail

 

Seriously?

Do you ever have a day that turns out nothing like you planned?

Every Monday and Friday I leave the house at noon to take Sugar Pea to a town 45 minutes away for her birth parent visits.  

They last two hours and I usually spend the time shopping.

The fact that this occurs right during my 2 and 3 year olds nap time does not make for happy moments in the store, but we cope.

Anyway, this past Monday I loaded up the van with my munchkins and headed south.

We arrived around 1pm and I dropped off Sugar Pea at the agency.

I drove across the street to a shopping plaza and was unloading children when my cell phone rang.

It was the foster agency--apparently the birth parents forgot what day of the week it was and could not come to their visit--their words not mine.

Soooo I loaded everyone back in the van and picked up Sugar Pea and drove 45 minutes home.

Seriously?

They forgot what day of the week it was?

Sigh

Sacrifice

Currently I'm struggling with something.

Every year our church has camp meetings just across the state line about 150 miles from where we live.

I've been attending quite regularly since I was a baby.

This year and last year we've had to miss them.

To go out of the state with a foster child requires written permission from the birth parents.

We already had a wedding this month that required an out-of-state permission slip.

Birth mom is not real cooperative about this, and we figured once a month was pushing it.

The sweet little gal who is currently snoozing in my arms is totally worth this.

But there is a part of me that struggles with this.

Being a parent is hard.

You will miss important events because your children are sick.

You will lose sleep, dignity, and privacy.

It just comes with the territory.

~~~~~~~~~

In A Nutshell

Sometimes I feel like my life is on a carousel that is spinning out of control.  It is going faster and faster, and I can't get off--nor do I really want to--and I can't slow it down.

Currently Sweet Pea ( our newest foster placement ) is getting three birth-parent visits a week.  I transport her to two of them, and they take place in a town about 45 minutes away--so I spend about three hours a week driving.

Thankfully both of these visits take place late in the afternoon--a time of day when I'm not very productive anyway, but sometimes it seems like all I do is run out the door.

I would have to say that birth-parent visits are one of the more difficult parts of foster parenting for me.  They tend to be stressful, and confusing for the children often causing fussiness, acting out, and sleep issues afterward.

I try to constantly remind myself to put myself in the birth parents shoes, and think how happy they are to see their little ones.  When I have to travel a distance for the visits I pray for the birth parents during the drive.

That's my thoughts in a nutshell right now.

Lullaby

I've been singing to babies for almost nine years now.

There's something soothing to both momma and baby about a soft song.

I sometimes just hum a never-ending medley of tunes, but there are a few songs that I have sung to every one of my children.

"Follow the Path of Jesus" --this is a hymn, but it is also my prayer for my children.

"That Little Boy of Mine"--I'm told that my Grandma sang this song to her children.  You can use the link below to listen to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8o-9wjVHIo&feature=related

"Jesus Loves Me"--one of the first songs our children learn to sing themselves.

What are your favorite lullabies?

Update

"Sweet Pea" is sleeping four hours at a time at night---bliss for mamma. :)

Some foster placements feel seamless, and this is one of those.

I will blog post more as we get into a better routine.

I've taken up baby wearing as a new hobby. :)

Don't babies smell so good?--even my older boys think so. :)

The intense heat this summer has made me start using my crockpot almost more than my stove.

Finding A New Normal

Where have I been you ask?

Well, I've been on vacation--or at least my brain has been.

My body on  the other hand has been right here at home doing laundry and all that other mommy stuff.

But every time I try to write a blog post--my brain draws a blank---so it must have been on vacation.

I'm hoping it went somewhere nice--like a quiet little cabin on a lake.

Where it could sit with a cup of coffee on the back porch and watch the sun rise.

Does my brain drink coffee when it's separated from my body?

Anyway, we are all adjusting to a new normal around our house.

Going from nine people--back to six people does feel rather different.

And yes, there have been some tears, and some yelling, (Why do little boys yell when they feel sad?) but we're going to be ok.

I can tell--because my brain is back from it's vacation, and feels like blogging again.

To Do It Well

When we first started our foster parenting journey I had some preconcieved notions of how things worked. 

I had observed other foster parents who seemed to parent these little ones effortlessly, and I wanted desperately for our home to be a safe and happy place for those who came there.

I never wanted to have a "us" and "them" mentality.  I wanted our family to be one unit that flowed seemlessly from foster children to adopted children.

I've worked hard at this, and for the most part it has been a sucess.

In the past several weeks though--I've come to a realization.

There has to be a solid and healthy "us" for us to take care of and minister to "them."

My children need to be secure in the awareness that foster children may come and go, but they will always stay.

Because of this there are things that I need to do for my children that I might not be able to do for the foster children in our home.

There are words that I can't say to my foster babies--words like forever or always.

This in no way means that I show favoritism to "my children" by buying them special things, or toys, or letting them get away with disobedience or wrong behaivior.

I'm really talking more about the emotional side of our relationship.

I know that there are a few foster mom's that read my blog, and I would like to hear how you handle this.

Facing My Fear

 I have a couple of secret fears--especially in relation to foster parenting

Things that I'm pretty sure I would not handle well.

This past week one of those fears became a reality.

I found head lice on my children.

I very nearly lost it.

I washed bedding,

I scrubbed heads with weird smelling chemicals,

I nit-picked. (literally)

I fretted and stewed until my husband could come home and look at my head. ( Which itched like crazy )

I called everyone who we had been in contact with for the last couple of days.

And at the end of the day I realized something profound.

HEAD LICE ARE NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't wish the crawly little bugs on anyone, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

  Many loads of laundry washed in hot water.

 Lots of head scrubbing and holding squirmy toddlers still, but we all survived. 

Somehow my imagination had ranked head lice up there with a national disaster, and it's really not.

Have you ever faced your worse fear, and realized it's not as bad as you thought?

Did I Really Just Say That?

Want to listen in on a phone conversation I had earlier today?

It went something like this.

Me, "Hi D- I'm so glad I got ahold of you. I was wondering if you could babysit for me tomorrow?"

D- "Sure!  I have a little girl I'm babysitting right now, but I don't have her till Wednesday."

Me, "Oh good, it would just be four of the kids, I thought to make it easier on myself I would only take three with me to the Dr's office. "

Did I really just tell someone that taking three toddlers to the Dr's office would be easy?